The Journey Begins - The First Head Injury (2nd Post)

My journey with undiagnosed traumatic brain injury (TBI) began at age 5.  The day of the accident was sunny and warm.  A day perfect for running outdoors in the backyard of my childhood home.  Our backyard was huge. There was a tall, fully grown apple tree, which during Autumn was laden with delicious red apples. There was a swing set and a clothesline pole perfect for climbing. And plenty of space for me to run in.  I was moving swiftly - serpentining through the backyard.  As I ran I was looking up at the apple tree instead of looking at the ground. Suddenly I felt my foot thud against something in the ground.  Too late I looked down to see an exposed tree root. I lost my balance and as I fell the next image I saw was a piece of pointed concrete on the ground. While falling I closed my eyes as my forehead collided with the man-made stone.  

I have episodic memory concerning the aftermath of this brain injury. Episodic memory is fragments of memory that only give hints as to the whole story.  My parents told me I was not taken to a hospital or a doctor’s office. My mother informed me she was the one who patched up my head wound.

I only have two memories of my recovery. I remember sitting in my classroom at school.  I felt totally exhausted. I remember desperately trying to hold my head up and see the words on the chalkboard at the front of the room. My mother’s homemade bandage pressed down on my eyebrows and eyelids. I was miserable. All I wanted to do was to go home and sleep. 

The second memory is about how the brain damage impacted my temper and personality. I remember after the injury being angry more than not.  So many things seemed to upset me. One day because of my temper I suffered a serious consequence.  Several months after the TBI, I was playing with a group of neighborhood kids in my backyard. One kid was mean to me. So,I responded in kind. I clearly remember yelling at him. However, due to episodic memory, I cannot for the life of me recall what I said.  After my outburst, the other kids stopped playing.  They all just stood there in silence just looking at me.  After a very long moment, they said they were leaving and no longer wanted to play with me.  They told me I was too angry all the time. I was frozen in shock by their reaction. All I could do was watch them leave.  I was stunned, baffled, hurt, and scared.  Panic rose inside me and I did not know what to do or say.  I felt disliked. I could not understand why the other kid got to be mean to me and they still liked him.  

In that moment and going forward I did not feel safe to be me.  I never saw a doctor after this accident.  I did not know I had undiagnosed TBI.  I just knew something was wrong with me. I realized I had to figure out ways to hide my anger and pain. And to fix what was wrong with me. In order to have friends, I had to solve the puzzle of me.