Memories of My Fall to Earth (5th Post)
In the ’50s, at age 5, I had an injury to my forehead. I clearly remember the accident. However, I only have one brief memory of the recovery period. The visible signs of the head wound had healed. Over time I became aware my personality was now negatively impacting my relationships and self-esteem. For example, I lost some friends from my 0 to 100 anger. My auditory hypersensitivity made me agitated by loud sounds including people talking. Not being able to make decisions -either quickly or not at all - meant lost opportunities. Missing out then made me feel like a failure. I was a child with undiagnosed TBI. However, I did not know that. I only knew something was wrong, and I had to find out and fix the problem.
In 1960, at age 10, I experienced a second injury to my forehead. Due to episodic amnesia, I could not remember how my forehead was severely injured. Upon regaining consciousness from the impact of the injury, my parents filled in the details.
We took a trip to Luray Caverns in Luray, Virginia. Mary, the daughter of a family friend, was staying with us for the summer. She came with us on this outing. We toured the Caverns. After the tour, we had a picnic in the mountains. I decided to find a tree to climb. Mary decided to go with me. Mary told my parents she and I climbed to the top of a tree. She said we sat on separate branches. However, our feet were supported by the same single branch. The branch under our feet broke. I fell to the earth. I landed face down with my forehead on a pile of rocks. Mary climbed down the tree. Mary was the only witness to my fall. My father drove us to the hospital in Luray. I had surgery on my head wound. After surgery, my father drove us back home. I began my recovery.
My parents wanted to know what I remembered. Here is what I told them. “I am standing in front of a tree trunk. I feel jostled about. I open my eyes. I see only darkness. Panic and fear cover my body. I fear I have somehow been blinded, and no one knows this has happened to me. I scream - I cannot see - I am blind! I hear my father’s voice close to my ear. He says he is carrying me down the mountain. I cry out. “You are going to drop me!” I attempt to escape from his arms. Again I open my eyes. Oddly there is some type of white cloth over my face. I yell out. What is this??!?! I raise my arm to pull off the mysterious white cloth. Someone grabs my arm. I feel a pinch to my upper arm. Again my eyes open. I see the ceiling of our station wagon. I feel the movement of the car. I open my eyes. This time I see the ceiling of my bedroom. I am confused as to what I am doing there. I attempt to get out of bed. However, the room began to violently spin. I fell back on the bed. I become aware my head hurts. I put my hands to my forehead. I feel a gauze-covered lump under my hands. Frightened and confused I start screaming. I hear my name being called. I look in the direction of the voices. I see my parents entering my bedroom.” These scattered impressions were all I could tell my parents.
My parents listened as I shared these fragmented memories. After I finished, my parents questioned me. Did Mary try to grab you? Do you know why she did not fall? Are you sure both your feet and Mary’s were supported by the same branch? Do you remember anything she did in the tree? I did not know the answers to these questions. I began to cry. I was bewildered. I found it hard to believe I actually fell out of a tree. I never even came close to doing so or having any injury from climbing my beloved trees.
As I lay in bed, the only thought filling my empty mind was bewilderment. I had no memories or recollections to tether me to the reality of the second forehead wound. My mind was looping around a question. Why can’t I remember most of the day and my fall to earth? My parents filled me in on what I could not remember. Yet, nothing they said sounded familiar to me. Why can’t I remember? And why all the questions about Mary? As I lay in bed trying to make sense of what happened, I did not realize my parents suspected Mary pushed me out of the tree.
I say to myself, Mary's version of the fall must be right as I have this lumpy bandage on my forehead. My parents continued to press for details. I was not able to provide anything further. They told me I will be fine and to just rest. They asked if I do remember anything else about the fall to be sure to tell them. They pointed to the small silver bell sitting on my nightstand. They say to ring the bell if I need anything. I have stopped crying. They left. I laid back down on the bed. I found it so hard to believe I actually fell from a tree.
The curse of amnesia is its ability to hide both mundane and essential information. Sometimes amnesia is temporary; sometimes permanent. My amnesia left me languishing and waiting. When would my memories show up? Sooner or later? Would they magically appear someday? After a while, my 10-year-old self gave up waiting. I decided to accept Mary’s and my account.
Being only age 10 I found it difficult to really examine or question Mary’s version of the events preceding my fall to earth. My brain simply did not have the necessary skill set. There were several factors at play. I was only 10-year-old. I had undiagnosed TBI from the first and now second forehead concussions. I had no memories to confirm or deny Mary’s account, and I found it difficult to fathom my friend Mary would intentionally harm me. And most importantly there was my inner belief; I was an expert tree climber. How could I have fallen from a tree? My little broken brain was in no condition to discern the reality of my fall to earth. For me, there was only one self-comforting solution. I accepted and believed the story Mary told my parents.
I only have 3 memories of my recovery from this second forehead wound. Unraveling memory is a complicated gig, and amnesia only muddies the playing field of memory. However, I did have fragments of memories; probably because the human brain has several types of memory networks. One memory network is composed of 3 different types of memory: Immediate, Short Term and Long Term Memory. A soon-to-be memory first enters our brain through the Immediate Memory. For example, if I see you and say hello to you - you are able to say hello back (or maybe hi depending on your preference :) ). Immediate memory makes it possible for you to hold on to and immediately respond back to a thought. So immediate memory only lasts a very short time before it fades. To keep the memory intact, the memory needs to be transmitted to short-term memory. The short-term memory only lasts for 5 minutes up to 24 hours. So for long-term storage, the short-term memory needs to transmit the memory to Long Term. So thanks to short-term memory, at the end of the day you will remember me seeing and greeting you. You will remember you responding back to me. If you remember our meeting a year later that means it is now in long-term memory.
If there is a disruption to the memory as it makes its way through the network, the memory can be lost. There are many factors in our world that influence or disrupt memory. For example, marijuana disrupts immediate memory. This can actually be witnessed. The disruption is very evident during a conversation with 2 stoned people. They have difficulty following their own and each other's conversation. They sometimes as well cannot follow their own thoughts. Alcoholism impacts and may destroy immediate memory. Long-term memory stays pretty much intact. However, organic brain damage can destroy long-term memory.
As I said unraveling memory is a complicated gig. There is another memory network at play here: Explicit and Implicit memory. Explicit memory is concrete, meaning the memories have context and can reality be recalled. Implicit memories are not consciously recalled. Some are actually stored in the body. When that happens the implicit memory is coded like a puzzle or riddle to be discerned. Implicit memories are automatic behaviors. They contribute to and influence habits and performance. For example, like driving a car. However, my personal belief is this ability does not apply to parallel parking...just saying -lol. You can see this memory network in action when playing golf or other sports. Also tying your shoes or typing on a computer. This is why after a long hiatus from riding a bike, you can actually still perform this task.
Now for my head wound memory issues, there is where it is an even more complicated gig. Implicit memory is impacted by traumatic experiences. When a person experiences a trauma of any nature, a stress hormone - cortisol floods the brain. The flooding turns off the part of the brain which makes memories of experiences. This can result in traumatized people reacting to certain present experiences as if they were the original trauma experience. And if they have this reaction they cannot consciously remember the original reason for their reaction. Bare with me now.
So, earlier I wrote I had only 3 memories of my recovery from my second forehead injury. I believe some of my memories are taking a staycation in the land of amnesia. Some are implicit memories that I can only experience through my body. And some memories were lost in the flood of cortisol. Allow me to elaborate.
The first memory I call my” Movie Therapy” memory. I discovered the therapeutic assistance of some movies while in Psychotherapy at age 20. In one session, I was resisting the idea my mother was mentally ill. We had a complicated relationship. She was both nurturing and emotionally harmful. She also may have had psychotic episodes the 2 times she attempted to kill me. Children need to attach to their parents in order to survive. However for some of us the parents we attached to were harmful. Consequently, that juxtaposition is challenging for children to know what to do in order to survive. I was one of those children.
In both my life and my therapy I could not grasp the concept that people are sometimes intentionally and deliberately evil. In therapy, I also struggled to feel all the emotions accompanying this line of thought. Over time I developed a better understanding of this concept. After one therapy session in which I mostly adhered to the survival belief of “ let’s pretend people are not evil,” I watched the movie Internal Affairs. Richard Gere totally nailed and demonstrated a more realistic definition of evil. Amazing acting. At the end of the movie, I was dumbfounded. I finally understood the concept of evil. I decided I no longer wanted to pretend people were not deliberately evil. I also finally understood what my father meant when he said to me one day -“your mother goes for the jugular.” I was now able to realize my mother knew she was inflicting emotional pain. The therapy session after my revelations was very emotional and productive. Thank you sincerely, Mr. Gere. The movie helped me feel and express all those complicated feelings about the reality of my developmental years.
Here is the first memory I have of my recovery from the second concussion to my forehead. I was propped up in bed. There was only a small bandage over my forehead. I was alone. There was a black and white tv in my bedroom. I was watching a World War II movie called Bataan. The movie was near the end. All the American soldiers were being killed off by the Japanese soldiers. My eyes flooded with tears as I watched the soldiers die. The movie ended. I continued to cry hard for a very long time.
I have never been a soldier nor suffered the trauma of war. However, all human suffering for whatever reason sometimes holds the same emotional journey. At age 10 I felt extreme sympathy for some of the themes in Bataan. For other themes I experienced empathy. Both of those feelings created my intense and long flood of tears. By age 10 I knew suffering. I had witnessed and experienced traumas. I knew how it felt to be alone and trapped. I knew there was something wrong with me and I did not know what it was. And this mystery haunted me.I knew I was not afraid of the dark, I was afraid of who was in the dark. And at age 10, all this knowledge emotionally overwhelmed me.
I know you may disagree with me after you read the next sentence. So let’s just agree to disagree. Children are not resilient. Children need to learn how to develop resilience. This has been discovered with PTSD. Not every trauma a person experience results in PTSD. When PTSD is present that usually means prior to the trauma the person lack resilience. In therapy, I had been diagnosed with PTSD. That meant I had experienced many developmental traumas without the opportunity to learn how to respond to a traumatic event.
When I was age 10 watching Bataan, I was crying for the dead and soon-to-die soldiers, and I was crying for the path of my life up to that point in time. At age 10 I did not have the words to explain my tears to others, or even to myself, and so I let the anguished tears speak for me. I cried and cried for the soldiers. I cried for myself until I stopped.
This is the second memory I experienced after the second concussion at age 10. I was laying on an exam table in a doctor’s office. My mom stood close by me. The doctor took out the stitches on my forehead. I was very upset and crying. The doctor said to me this procedure does not hurt. My mom looked worried. The memory fades. In retrospect, the intensity of my emotional reaction did not fit the situation. I believe that I was having an implicit memory. I do not remember the procedure being painful. However, I remember the intensity of my response. I was reacting as if it was painful. I was having what is known as a Re-enactment.
A Re-enactment is acting out a past event in the present moment. If it is a trauma re-enactment in addition to behaviors, feelings from the past are also present. The memory glitch is to the traumatized person in the re-enactment their reactions feel appropriate. Usually, though the reactions are actually inappropriate. In a re-enactment the person is not acting to the present situation - only the past situation.
Ok back to the second memory. In retrospect, I believe I was in a re-enactment on the medical table. My level of hysteria did not fit the situation. This is just a guess. I may have been reacting to the forehead surgery in the Operating Room in Luray Va. Or, I may have been reacting to the medical doctor at the picnic area where the fall from the tree occurred. This doctor cleaned and patched up my wound at the site of impact. Or it may be another implicit memory I cannot presently recall. The unknown memory could also be from the first forehead wound at age 5. There are just guesses. All I know for certain is the removal of the stitches did not warrant the depth and intensity of my reaction.
Movie Therapy time again. If what I am discussing about the impact of traumatic memories, watch the movie Fearless. However, if you have any unprocessed trauma ignore my recommendation and do not watch the movie. If you are in trauma therapy first check with your therapist if this movie would be appropriate for you to watch. Since the movie is intense and provocative.
Fearless is an amazing movie. The acting is Oscar-worthy. The movie is about 2 airplane crash survivors. Both survivors are emotionally traumatized - they are seeking relief from the overwhelming trauma feelings and reactions. Jeff Bridges expertly portrays hyper-arousal; the manic reaction of being traumatized. Rosie Perez expertly portrays hypo-arousal.; the depression reaction of being traumatized. The characters they are portraying are engaging in re-enactments to try and release the hold of trauma. The psychological goal of a re-enactment is for the body to be able to complete a defensive survival action. It is the action the body wanted to take in order to respond to trauma, however, due to the nature of the trauma, the body was not able to do so at the time. Memory and Trauma are complicated subjects.
This is the last memory I can recall involving my recovery from the second forehead wound. I am sitting in the back seat of our car - a Plymouth. I looked out the window. I saw a lovely forest of trees. I said to my parents I would love to climb those trees. My father replied, he sounded angry, said: “there will be no more tree climbing for you.” I was devastated. I asked him why. Before he could answer I said to my dad, I am not scared to climb a tree. My forehead has healed and I am fine. He repeated his statement. I decided it was best not to argue. A heavy numbness filled my body. I cannot be with my trees. I felt lost and sad.
This last memory is an explicit memory of emotional trauma. The memory also demonstrates the value of emotional resourcing. Emotional resourcing is using something outside one’s self to create a feeling of safety and comfort. My parents forbade me to climb any more trees. As an adult, I realize they were wanted to protect me. As a child, their decision was confusing as I had told them I was not afraid to climb trees. And, also at age 10, I did not understand the concept of emotional resourcing. I did not know I was using the trees to ground myself to feel safety and comfort.
Since the forehead wound at age 5 life became more challenging for me. At age 8, I stumbled on a discovery. Being with and climbing trees felt like a refuge for me. At age 8, I did not really understand the meaning of refuge. I just knew being with trees was fun, and when I was in the trees I felt happy and safe. When my parents declared there would be no more tree climbing I had not yet learned the words to explain to my parents what their decision meant to me. I also did not realize they were afraid of me. I did not know the meaning of the loss and mourning of the words. I did not even realize at age 8 I was lost and mourning. I just knew I felt very, very sad. After hearing their decision, for me, time seemed to stop. So much so I have no memories of being 11.
I have no more memories till age 12. And the memories I have are not pleasant. I was not sleeping at night. In fact, now I was yelling out at night. Also, people continued to comment on my extreme anger. I struggled to follow directions. Long division was so complicated. Decisions overwhelmed me. My sense of smell was so weak, so food tasted neutral. Suicidal thoughts were common. I felt was always desperate. Two days later something wonderful happened. I stumbled upon a new desperation skill. I was thrilled to add this skill to my makeshift desperation skills I started at age 5. A woman hired me to do a job for her. I messed up. However, she was so kind and willing to help me do the job right. No one ever treated me in that manner. I was enthralled and embraced the concept of the “kindness of strangers.” I added this skill to my collection.