Setting Myself Free (8th Post)
The journey to escape catholic school and be allowed to attend public school was a long and tedious one. While attending Catholic school the desperation skills I added to my collection came as a result of an undiagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Surviving the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse became a daily way of life. Like every abused child, I learned how to be a chameleon, not to be a target, and to placate the abusers. Being a chameleon involved fine-tuning the hypervigilance I had developed at age 5 after my first traumatic brain injury. In school, in order to survive, I focused on quickly figuring out who the nuns had wanted me to be and how they wanted me to act, think, and talk.
At home, I periodically lobbied my parents to be allowed to attend a public school. In 8th grade, when my friends and I graduated from elementary catholic school, the majority of the graduates fled to public school. Their departure left me feeling sad and lonely. I started 9th grade at a catholic high school. I viewed the school as bizarre. One side of the school was for girls who were taught by nuns. The other side of the school was for boys who were taught by priests. This order of nuns was as not physically violent as the order that ran the elementary school. However, emotional abuse, gender inequality, and sexual abuse continued.
At the end of each class period, we would migrate to another classroom. During the migration, the nuns would leave the classroom and enter the hallways to monitor our behavior. However, they would do more than just observe. They would often stop a girl to “adjust” her uniform - her skirt, blouse, or blazer. Their hands would wander all over our bodies. As in grade school, I detested these nuns. One day, a girl or girls fought back while we were migrating to the next classroom. We never found out how many girls were involved. That day, I approached the stairwell to the second level of the building. The stairwell was crowded. A group of us waited at the bottom of the stairs for space to open up for our ascent. Out of nowhere, I heard screams of terror. I looked up. The crowd of girls on the stairwell had parted, and in the space, a nun was tumbling down the stairs. She landed at our feet. No student, on the stairwell or the ground floor moved to assist the nun. The nuns who had been present shouted to each other and rushed to the aid of the fallen nun. They were also shouting at us to leave and go to the next classroom. As we walked no one said a word. However, smiles and thumbs up were exchanged. Other girls have simply nodded heads in agreement. And some were stifling laughter. As for me, at the time, I was beyond pleased to have witnessed a reckoning. We never learned who pushed the nun down the stairs. However, we did experience a surprise. From that day on the nuns did not monitor us during the class migration anymore. My classmates discussed how elated and free they felt by this decision. The school was not completely safe now, however it was a start.
On that day of reckoning, as I rode the bus home, my mind was filled with emotions and new thoughts. I had never seen someone fight back before. It was so powerful and clear. I began to wonder if I could do the same thing. Not push a nun downstairs, but find a way to hold abusive people accountable. Due to the 2 TBI’s, I certainly had the rage inside me to be able to stand up to an abuser. I just could not figure out how. I was just so impressed that someone had fought back to try and save themselves.
Later in life, I would acquire the skills and knowledge to stand up for myself. The brain has a basic survival plan of freeze, flight, or fight. All three have both a physical response as well as cognitive and emotional and psychological. Our brain and body have all sorts of survival strategies. So I could freeze by becoming dissociated or I could literally freeze and not be able to run away or fight back. I could engage in flight and run away or I could leave for a better job or relationship. I could physically defend myself or I could take someone to court. I have found through my recovery from addictions that addictions can also be used to induce fight, flight, or freeze. I also learned from studying our survival system that freeze naturally occurs, however, flight and fight have to be learned and activated in the brain.
When a baby is born the only survival strategies they have are freeze and attachment. So, if a baby is exposed to danger or abuse they cannot run or fight back - they can only freeze. Once a child becomes ambulatory they have flight and fight available to use. However, if something occurs that thwarts the development of those strategies - they may never develop. That is the bad news. The good news it can be taught through specific trauma therapy modalities. The problem is if a child is abused they will only learn to be only passive and submissive and will continue that pattern for the rest of their life. They will also placate, defend, and try to be nice to abusive people believing these strategies will save them. However, the only result, of their actions is the abuser is never held accountable. If an abused child learns how to set boundaries and hold the abuser responsible for their words, actions and also acknowledges the abuser as an abuser, the child will learn how to be courageous, just, a protector, and embraces reality - even when it is a hard reality to embrace. In essence, the child will be able to no longer rationalize or deny the abuse that occurred.
In retrospect, when I witnessed a student fighting back, I realized there was more to the student’s decision than just revenge. However, due to my PTSD and TBI, at that time, I was not cognizant of the other reasons. Through therapy and self-discovery, I was able to process the entire incident. Now I know when interacting with an abuser I can do something constructive and self-protective. I can set boundaries with abusers. I can disregard emotional abuse. I can leave unhealthy relationships. I can walk away from abusive people. I can hold the abuser accountable through the legal system, and so much more.
Also, over the years I have learned the difference between violence and anger. Anger is an emotion that heals. Anger alerts us to possible dangerous, wrong, or unjust situations, and encourages us to seek a mature solution to resolve the situation. Anger helps us to respond through self-defense, boundary setting, and accountability. Violence is not an emotion; It is a behavior. Violence is about needing to completely control others. A violent person wants to make someone stop doing or saying something they do not like. The violent person is filled with unprocessed fear. The unprocessed fear drives the violent person to try and control someone through physical and/or emotional threats/actions/intimidation. They are bullies with an emotional wound inside. They hide this wound from themselves and others. They act out their fear and desperation through violence. An abuser wrongly believes the way to absolve the emotional pain they feel is to control another.
Today, when I remember witnessing the student fighting back against the abusive nuns, I also remember silently supporting her actions. Today, I have a better understanding of this incident. I now understand what the student was trying to do. The student was simply trying to survive. However, the student was only a teenager who had not yet learned mature adult coping and accountability skills. A child or teen does not know the skills necessary to deal with a bully. Adults must address an abuser’s behavior, and adults must reach out to the bully to assist in identifying and healing the emotional wound. Adults also need to assist the victim with learning mature coping skills to use when dealing with an abuser. Reckonings involve complicated mature skills. We are not born with them - we are born with survival skills, and need to aspire to be much more than just survivors. In addition to surviving we need to grow and thrive in order to change ourselves and make the world a better place in which to reside. There is a saying - when good people do nothing evil prevails. Someone saying they are a good person is an empty phrase unless they engage in actions that support their words. Responsible actions do speak louder than words.