“Meanwhile Back at the Ranch” -a.k.a Home (14th post)
So, there I was lobbying my parents to attend the “merry old land of Oz” a.k.a public high school. “Meanwhile back at the ranch” or “home on the range” it was not going in the direction my weary heart and broken brain desired or needed.
No one in life has just one challenging issue impacting their life. I am certainly no exception to the rule. In retrospect, I realize now my decision to enter public school greatly complicated the life I had been living. Upon entering public school, I soon learned with the exception of my desperation skills, I had not learned or acquired other coping skills that were useful. At that time, the list of deficits appeared short. I had undiagnosed TBI, PTSD, and a haunting need to solve the puzzle of me. However, the list was like an exposed powder keg vulnerable to any stray fiery spark. I also had no supportive immediate and/or extended family to assist my navigation through my tumultuous teenage years and floundering young adulthood. That coupled with TBI and PTSD made things extremely difficult. The lack of significant family involvement would later evolve into my point of reference as being an orphan.
People are the product of nurture, nature, and society. Concerning nature, we all know life happens. Our families and society raise us for better or worse or somewhere in the in-between. Here is the impact on my life from my in-between experiences.
Chris-in-the-morning, a character from the television show “Northern Exposure”, once stated, “Being human is a complicated gig.” I could not agree more. I do not remember most of my early childhood. That places me in the normal range of the bell curve since most people do not remember much of their childhood experiences. The majority of my memories began when I was in the 5th grade. I have a theory. Perhaps my memory prior to 5th grade had been damaged from my undiagnosed TBI and PTSD. My beloved sister, Steph, is 2 years younger than me, however, she remembers quite an impressive amount of our childhood. So she is my go- to- person to fill in the missing pieces of my early childhood. I do though have a plethora of photographs of my early childhood trips and holiday celebrations. Even though I have no working memories of these events, the photos indicate that my parents were very active in entertaining and playing with their 3 daughters. In addition to Steph, I had another sister 2 years older than me. However, beginning in 5th grade as my sisters and I grew older each year, my parents became increasingly less involved in their daughter’s lives. In retrospect, my theory is their change in attitude and behavior resulted from several reasons.
As an adult, I would later come to understand my parents struggled with untreated mental health issues which resulted in an inability to adapt and assist their daughter’s developmental stages into adulthood. They simply withdrew their time and attention. Both my parents also were estranged from their respective families and did not socially engage regularly with their neighbors or the surrounding communities. Thus they could not teach their daughters how to be sisters and how to belong in the world. The human brain takes 25 years to reach full mature functioning. During those 25 years, infants, children, teenagers, and young adults are developing into increasingly complex personalities. Consequently, a mature and sophisticated society, along with mature and healthy functioning parents are important to assist in the development of a healthy, thriving, and responsible human being.
Please understand when I say this: No parent or other human being is or will ever be perfect. I did not expect my parents to be perfect. However, I did expect my parents to take responsibility for and heal their mental health issues. Their decision not to address the tragedies and adverse challenges in their own human developmental years only served to continue a very sad and unhealthy legacy.
That legacy sat patiently inside me in the exposed powder keg along with the other cinders. So. in order to solve the puzzle of me I would also need to explore the impact of the generations before me.