My Older Sister - The Unsolved Puzzle (17th Post)
Growing up I struggled with undiagnosed TBI. I also struggled with solving the puzzle of my older sister.
Somewhere out in the world, I have an older sister. She is 2 years older than me.
Due to the 2 TBIs, I received at age 5 and 10, my early childhood memories are few and far between. Therefore, I have no early childhood memories of my older sister. By age 12, my memory system became more involved in documenting my experiences. Consequently, from age 12 onward, I have many clear and concise memories of my older sister.
Starting in childhood, my older sister appeared to have little desire to bond with me. She followed in my father’s relationship footsteps. She appeared to have only animosity toward me. For example, as a child, outside of family board games, she refused to play with me. When my sisters and I went to the neighborhood playgrounds, she ignored and distanced herself from me. She constantly told me I was the ugly one in the family. She made fun of my size and shape. On occasion, she beat up on me. As a teen, when she and I were at the school bus stop, she distanced herself from me when her friends arrived. She found my TBI struggles to spell and sound out words to be “hilarious” and would mock me. Whenever I attempted to hang out with her, she declined the majority of the time. Concerned about our relationship, I attempted to talk to my parents about my older sister. They barely listened, made no suggestions, and neglected to talk to my older sister. Discouraged and sad, I felt like I was on my own in dealing with her.
I REALLY wanted an older sister. So, as a pre-teen, as with my parents and myself, I decided I would also solve the puzzle of my older sister. For many years, I periodically asked her to tell me why she did not like me. Why was there so much animosity? On rare occasions, she would say “oh, I do like you” and simply walk away. Most of the time she would change the subject. I kept trying to mend the situation, however, like with my father, all my attempts were futile. I felt frustrated and at a loss.
Later, as a young adult, I wrote letters and sent cards to my older sister. I had hoped these gestures would encourage a bond or at least start a conversation, so I might find some pieces of her puzzle. Sadly, she did not respond. At one point though, to my surprise, she initiated phone calls. I was so stunned and excited when I heard her voice on the phone. After a few brief conversations, I began to notice a disappointing pattern. She only called when she wanted something from me. She would deflect general conversation or just catch up. Once she had my answer of yes or no, or she had obtained the information she sought, she would say she had to go and hang up. Feeling very frustrated and at a loss, I contacted my parents and requested some support and assistance from my older sister. They responded, “you have to figure this out as this is between you and her.” I felt very close to a dead end. All my efforts yielded not one piece of her puzzle.
Sometime after that brief conversation with my parents, they called to inform me my older sister was getting married. I contacted my older sister to express my congratulations and thought maybe we would discuss her wedding and fiancé. Silly me, the ONLY thing she said after my congratulating her was she was unhappy and upset that my parents insisted I be at the wedding party. She said she only agreed since they are paying for the wedding. Her wedding was one big awkward event. However, her husband turned out to be a ray of sunshine in the bleak existence of my relationship with my older sister.
I find it to be a mystery, but somehow, their union softened her animosity toward me…..a little. Maybe, it was because like me my brother-in-law believed in the value of family and he was happy to have two sisters-in-law. Sometimes, when I requested a visit to their home she agreed. However, on my visits, she greatly limited her interactions with me. I was ok with that because at least I was there. Plus, my brother-in-law was always friendly, kind, and welcoming to me. On one visit, my brother-in-law and I were out walking their dog. He brought up my sister and said he noticed she seemed to dislike me. I thought FINALLY a piece of her puzzle would be revealed…or at least I’d get a clue. I was thrilled he was willing to discuss his wife with me. Hope was beginning to dawn on me. Immediately, I asked him if she told him why she disliked me. He said her reply was short and vague. “All she said was you ignored her in high school.” I was incredulous. I gave him an overview of that time period which contradicted her version. He said he was sorry he could not provide a more helpful answer. I felt the door shut on hope. We walked a few steps in silence. He then said he could not understand why she disliked me. He said I was nice, and he enjoyed our visits. He said maybe in time things would change; I was so disappointed and forlorn. He was right. In time things did change, they became worse.
One day she informed me my cordial visits to their home had come to an end. As usual, she did not give me any discernible reason why; no surprise about the request or the lack of a reason. I spoke with my brother-in-law and said I would see him and my sister at the next family gathering at my parent’s home.
Things continued to get worse. During the few times we gathered at my parent’s home, she barely spoke to me. At those gatherings, both my older sister and parents continued to treat me like the white elephant in the room. My brother-in-law knew I wasn’t a white elephant and continued to associate with me. At one gathering, I brought my older sister flowers thinking the gesture would be a conversation starter. She avoided eye contact, took the flowers, walked away, and threw the bouquet in the trash. I felt sorry for the flowers. Before I left I took them out of the trash and brought them home with me. On my drive back home, I made a decision. I gave up my mission to solve the puzzle of my older sister. I had no further contact with my older sister, until some years later at my mother’s funeral.
My older sister barely talked to me at my mother’s funeral. She did do a LOT of glaring though. However, I was always able to stare her down. Now that my mission was over with her I was setting some BIG boundaries. Several years later at my father’s funeral, she refused to even say hello to me. She continued to glare. At both funerals, my brother-in-law continued to be kind, and friendly and talked to me.
I have not seen or heard from my older sister in many years. I don’t even know if she is alive or dead. I had searched for her on social media once, could not find anything, and assumed she blocked me.
Dearest Reader, if you have gotten this far in my blog, I imagine by now you all are wondering why I deserved such disdain. I would tell you for sure, however, I have not one single piece of her puzzle - just an empty jigsaw box. I am sure you have some theories about her puzzle. I do too. In fact, I have several. My older sister is the only one who can really say which theories are true.