Theories on My Phantom Older Sister (18th Post)

Could these theories be a piece of the puzzle of my older sister?  First, there is a brief  explanation of the impact of trauma, followed by possible pieces (theories) for solving the puzzle of my older sister:

Throughout verbal and written history, and now in the present, humans and other sentient beings have experienced tremendous tragic and life-ruining traumas. Studies on the impact of trauma discovered out of all the possible traumatic situations that occur, the worst is not environmental trauma’s by Nature, the worst are the traumas created from sentient beings. Another discovery was trauma inflicted on people, by other people, is very challenging to heal. And, in response to human trauma, people create a number of healthy and toxic ways to cope with the resulting emotional anguish.

They may decide to address the trauma, seek assistance, grieve, and hold the perpetrator(s) accountable. This decision takes a lot of courage and willingness to seek both healing and justice. However, if the perpetrator is a person the victim knows then the decision can become messy and challenging. No person wants to believe someone they love, like, value, trust, or depend on would traumatize them. Some victims will even defend and excuse a known perpetrator. However, emotions insist on getting attention and do not magically disappear. All emotions carry a message and stay till they are heard and responded to. Consequently, some victims who do not engage in healing create toxic solutions to try and smother the messages of their emotions. Rather than address the perpetrator, since that is difficult, they fabricate a story about some person or people they feel are weak and focus on that person or people as if they were the perpetrator(s) and proceed to project their wrath on them. It is like a drug fix. When using that toxic solution they feel relief, however, soon that goes away and thus they have to repeat their delusional story. This type of toxic solution does not work to bring resolution to the pain the victim feels, as the real perpetrator is not being acknowledged or held accountable.

Could these following theories be a part of my older sister’s puzzle? Maybe someone or something traumatized my older sister when she was an infant or child. That someone may have been my parents, a family member, or anyone. That trauma could have resulted in deep emotional pain. Rather than resolve that gruesome pain she searched for a target on which to project her unresolved rage. 

Genetics and Upbringing - She chose to follow my parents and extended family’s protocol and practices which include: estrangement, blame, -  and what was known as abandonment, now currently referred to as “ghosting.” For example, when she distanced herself from me - just as my father did. Additional examples can be found in the previous posts on my family.

She was the firstborn and I the second.  Was it jealously on her part?

Due to my TBIs, I only have a few memories of my childhood before the age of 12. Between my birth and age 12, could I have offended or hurt her? If so, why did she or my family choose not to tell me?

And lastly, none of the above theories. SIGH.

So, where does all this leave me in terms of my relationship with my older sister? In truth, none of my theories were confirmed. The only person who knows the truth is my older sister, and she refused to discuss why she had disdained me. So, like with my parents, I proceeded to resolve the relationship for myself.

Starting at age 12, in addition to wanting a good relationship with her, I remember I felt sympathy towards her. She was obese and had nervous tics. I heard what people said about her weight and observed how they treated her. I found witnessing her challenges upsetting. I believed in God then, so I often prayed she would be healed of her physical challenges. Time passed and her animosity towards me increased. I realized believing in a God is easy compared to believing in people. I also concluded God was deaf since my prayers were never answered. I found her constant rejection to be disappointing, frustrating, and it deeply hurt my heart. After trying anything I could think of to resolve the schism between us, the only thing left was to let go of her. The moment I accepted her decision to not like me, know me, or be with me made me feel sad. However, I was also at peace. My struggle was over. I think my acceptance also made her happy, as I was no longer pestering her to have a relationship with me. I do not miss her as she did not do or say anything to make me miss her.  It would have been nice to have a good memory of her, however, I have none. I believe she will never contact me. I do though, have some nice memories of my brother-in-law, and that is enough for me.