I Saved the Best for Last - Part 1 (20th Post)

During my early childhood, my parents were very active in entertaining and playing with their 3 daughters. However, my older sister did not follow their lead. Instead, my older sister was very attentive to my younger sister, but not to me. Steph, my sister who is 2 years younger than me, was the ONLY family member to work with me to create a functional, close, enjoyable, relationship. Growing up, Steph and I consistently played together. Our time spent playing together strengthened our emotional attachment bond. Our bond helped up create many fun and interesting childhood adventures. 

When I was in 5th grade, my family moved to a larger house that was somewhat close to our former home. Steph and I shared a bedroom. After my 2nd head injury, Steph told me I had started waking her up at night. She said I would sit up in bed and start talking to her or calling her. The first time these behaviors occurred Steph informed me she thought I was completely awake since my conversation was coherent. She would respond only to discover I was still asleep. She said when I finished talking I would simply lay back down in bed. I was stunned by this new information since I had no memory of this nocturnal behavior. As time progressed so did my sleep challenges. Upon waking one morning, Steph told me, in addition to talking in my sleep, if anyone walked by the bedroom door I would yell out “who are you, and what do you want?”She said sometimes I would just repeatedly yell“ go away.” Again, I was alarmed and baffled because I had no memory of this newest twist in my nightly behaviors. It turned out my parents had been aware of my nocturnal disruptions, however, in response my family viewed my actions as comical. Consequently, my sleep disorder was never medically investigated. With the lack of a normal sleep pattern, I felt foolish and at a loss for what to do. The only way I coped with these revelations was to follow my parents' lead and believe my actions odd and harmless. Although, deep inside I felt despondent.

Growing up, I enjoyed being with Steph, and I felt close to her. Here are 2 favorite childhood memories of her. The first time my family decorated a Christmas tree I fell in love with the custom ….and the tree itself. Santa Claus and presents were certainly wonderful, however, a decorated tree, was to me, the true magic of the holiday season. I felt the tree with its festive lights, was even more enchanting when surrounded by total darkness. Consequently, during the holiday season, at night, when I was wide awake as a result of my sleep disorder, I would quietly leave my bed and creep down the stairs to the living room where the tree was. I would turn on the tree’s holiday lights, sit on the stairs in front of the tree, surrounded by darkness, and lose myself in the wonder of the mystical tree. Steph often would join me. We would sit side by side on the stairs and whisper to each other all the things we loved about the holiday tree. Having Steph sitting beside me, sharing the delight of the tree, made this experience even more magical. Here is another wonderful memory. Steph loved Halloween. One Halloween she created a truly spooktacular haunted house in our dark basement. Her seasonal creation was a big hit with all the neighborhood kids. Her ability to scare me and the other kids was both adorable and fantastic. Baba Yaga would be proud of her. 

As my sisters and I grew older, our personalities became more complex, and we each developed a more active social life in our respective schools and the local community. As a result, my parent’s response to our new developmental experiences was to withdraw their time and attention from us. Life at home became more unhappy and challenging due to my parent’s relational issues and other mental health problems. (See previous posts) When I started 9th grade, my relationship with Steph began to shift. At her school, Steph met a schoolmate who lived in another neighborhood within easy walking distance. They became best friends. Steph became acquainted with her schoolmate’s family, liked them, and spent more time at their home than ours. Around the same time, a new family moved into our neighborhood, with a daughter my age, and I spent a lot of time at my new friend’s house. Consequently, Steph and I spent less and less time hanging out together. When Steph started high school, the school boundaries had changed and that meant she would not attend the high school I was already enrolled in. Steph and I waited at different bus stops and attended our respective school-related activities. Our paths were now intersecting only at dinner time. However, I still felt close to her and enjoyed whatever time we were able to share. As Steph worked her way through high school, I left to attend a college in Massachusetts. I wrote letters home, however, my family had little to no contact. I was ok with their lack of interest in my life as I was just happy to be far away from home. Due to the expense of out-of-state tuition, after my freshman year, I transferred to a Virginia college. Upon my return home, I learned Steph had left home right after her high school graduation. I was taken by surprise to find out Steph had cut off my parents and older sister and no one had told me. I was sad, worried, and fearful Steph had cut me off too. Since this was occurring in the 1970’s it was more difficult, than now, to search for someone. At that time, there was no social media or other internet resources to use. Determined to find her, I sought out her friends. However, not one of them revealed where she was. Distraught and feeling at a dead end, I begged her friends to tell Steph I wanted to see her in the event she contacted them. I waited and continued to search for her for 2 years to no avail. I thought Steph had remained as close to me, as I felt toward her. Now, I was filled with doubt and sorrow. Not knowing what else to do, I resigned myself to the fact the only thing I could do was to wait. And so I did...