My Renegade Gene (22nd Post)
Like many people in the world, I value understanding who I am and the life I lead. In the midst of juggling and attempting to solve the puzzles of my family and myself, I was mystified as to how I ended up there. I just felt lost and that I did not fit in. I appeared to have different values as compared to my parents, older sister, and relatives. For example, I yearned for and valued an emotionally close and enthusiastic interactive family. They valued distance and estrangement. I preferred sharing to work out relational issues. They preferred to fabricate a grim fairytale (yes, pun intended) about someone and take their imaginary narrative to the grave.
In a therapy session one day, I discussed my feelings and thoughts about my family. My therapist said you don’t seem to fit in with your family. (And thank goodness he meant that in a good way.) I was like, I know right? I shared with the therapist about my search to understand the dissonance. I had concluded I was adopted until I discovered an authentic birth certificate. In college, I took the course Biology 101 and learned about human genes. I concluded I may have had a recessive renegade gene in my DNA makeup.
As an adult, on one birthday my younger sister gave me a present, a book entitled “Women Who Run With The Wolves.” The author Clarissa Pinkola Estes Ph.D. Dr. Estes is a Jungian analyst and a Cantadora (a storyteller who passes on multicultural myths, fairytales, and stories.) This book focused on the female archetype of the Wild Woman. As I read through the stories, and the meaning of the stories, I realized one story personified my situation - The Mistaken Zygote. A Zygote is a fertilized egg with both the mother’s and father’s genetic material.
Once upon a time, the Zygote Fairy had a basket of little zygotes to deliver to their families. During the Fairy’s flight, there was some turbulence in the air, and one little zygote was bumped out of the basket, and, accidentally fell into the wrong house. Growing up the little zygote discovered she does not fit in with the family. No matter how hard she tried she could not connect with her parents or with her. One day when she was out walking the zygote met a family who lived 3 miles away. She got to know them and fell in love with the family, as she discovers they are just like her. And she tells herself, maybe this is the family who was meant to be my family.
So there you have it. I am a Mistaken Zygote. I knew the answer was out there somewhere and was thrilled to have finally found an explanation. In my personal fairy tale though, I never found that family who lived 3 miles away. However, as my life and mission evolved, I did find an amazing younger sister, fabulous friends, and superhero strangers to help me and my broken brain navigate through life and not just survive - also thrive.
As with all enchanting fairy tales, and really good stories, there is always a lesson or guidance to follow. Dr. Estes after telling this story also provides a frame of reference and a path to follow. Her analysis gave me a deeper understanding of who I am and how to navigate my family situation. I sincerely wish someone had read me this story when I was a child or teenager. I would have loved to have known I was in a real fairy tale and would eventually have a happily-ever-after ending.