I Saved the Best for Last (Part 2) - The Search for Steph (21st Post)

At my new college in Virginia, I shared an apartment with 3 female students. One day, I was home alone studying and heard a knock at the front door. Since I was not expecting any visitors, I surmised that one of my friends had decided to stop by. I opened the door and found my younger sister Steph standing there. I was shocked to see her, I was speechless as it had been over 2 years since I had seen or spoken to her. I just stood and stared at her. To me, the situation felt surreal, because all she had said was “I came to visit.”  Somehow I found my words and invited her in. Happiness flooded my body. I was literally reeling with relief and joy. However, I also felt overwhelmed and uncertain about how to act and what to say. I was worried I would somehow mistakenly scare her off. I did not know I was experiencing the effects of TBI, however, over the years I learned people perceived me as being intense. I was worried about coming on too strong. No one in my immediate or extended family ever sought me out. Now, here was my long-lost and beloved sister standing in my living room. She had taken a very big detour from our family’s relationship patterns. I was floundering as to how to begin to talk to her. All I knew for certain was I wanted her to stay. I wanted to have her in my life again. I cannot recall how, but somehow we started talking. Our conversation stayed in the present. We discussed my roommates, school, my job at the school cafeteria, her job and friends, and music and concerts. She never explained the lost 2 years, and I decided to leave the issue alone too. Regardless, we were off to a good start. She stayed for several days. I showed her around the college and invited my friends over to meet her. I wanted her to feel welcomed and included in my life. When she left we agreed it had been a good visit and promised each other to stay in touch. After she left I was utterly exhausted and a bundle of jumbled emotions. I was thrilled she wanted to stay in touch but, I was also terrified she would detour back to the hurtful anger-driven family pattern of leaving me in the dust. I held my breath, I knew only time would tell. I realized this would be a very unique experience in the relationship history with my family. This was to be an experiment in connecting and remaining connected. I wondered if it were possible to create and sustain a close enjoyable relationship as we did when kids? I was desperate for a crystal ball that could give me a glimpse into our future. 

Time progressed, and we stayed in touch. Even though we both were committed to making our relationship work tragically there was no escape from the emotional/mental programming we had inherited from our immediate and extended family. As we began our journey of connection, at times we encountered relational issues to work through alone and also together. Due to our respective geographical locations, we did not see each other often. However, we had some great moments and made progress in maintaining our relationship. 2 years later Steph attended my graduation from college. After the ceremony, we packed up what little worldly belonging I had into her VW Van. Off we drove to the next destination of my life. An important and precious moment that we did this together. I secured a job after graduation, with the Federal Government. I also started working with a mental health therapist to help solve the puzzle of me. Turned out to be a brilliant decision. The therapy did not really mitigate my undiagnosed TBI symptoms, however, the therapist helped me navigate the many challenges involved in transforming learned family dysfunction into healthy functioning. Concerning both my family dynamics and connecting with Steph, I learned how to behaviorally detach, set boundaries, heal my intimacy issues, grieve my past, and so much more. I used everything I gleaned from the therapy to create a close and enjoyable relationship with Steph.

Over the years, our connection journey - like any physical and or emotional journey in life - was filled with ups and downs, detours, emotions, mishaps, wonderful times, misunderstandings, great adventures, hilarity, endearing moments, heartache, memories, etc.  The bottom line is it takes TWO WILLING people to create a successful relationship. Unlike my other family members, Steph chose to take the journey with me. I am proud of both of us. It is never easy to change ingrained toxic programming.  However, it is doable and possible. Eventually, we created a family of 2. And who knew? -  certainly, not me, but my undiagnosed TBI symptoms would actually work in our favor to strengthen our connection. When Steph and I had been in our 20s, I was still actively pursuing my mission to solve the puzzle of me. By that time, I had a self-made system that successfully managed my undiagnosed TBI symptoms. Unbeknownst to me Steph had been noticing my symptoms and had observed my self-made navigational system. My amazing sister realized something was very wrong with me. Like me, though, she did not know what was wrong. Without any prompting from me, she took the initiative and intervened in my struggles and challenges. I was very relieved and grateful for her help. She had made her own decision to stick by me. She was a bright shining light in the darkness of my tunnel. There are no words for the amount of relief I felt for her assistance.

Understandably, when she guided me, she sometimes grew frustrated and upset with my reactions to her help. For example, she would say “why are you dumbing yourself down as I know you can do this?”, “I told you the directions 3 times now - why can’t you just follow them?”, “what is taking you so long?”, “just make a decision already”, and other comments - all related to my fumbling executive functions in my damaged brain. I never responded in anger to her questions. I totally agreed with her. I felt frustrated with me too. I had been asking myself the same questions. I was angry and upset I had not being able to translate her directions into the proper action. Instead of anger, I was overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude that she was trying to help me. As time progressed Steph would often just go ahead and do what I could not for me. She took charge and become my frontal lobe. To my total surprise when that happened, Steph evolved into an AWESOME compass to assist my self-made navigation system. She helped me make lemonade out of a lot of lemons. I did what I could for myself and she filled in the rest. She helped me create a life I could never have created by myself.  She joined the many superheroines/heroes over my lifetime who helped to transform my life from angst-filled survival to thriving - and at times - which happens to us all - even being a “rock star.” After many, many years in 2019 when I was FINALLY diagnosed with TBI, one of the first things Steph said to me was - “I am so sorry for all the times I yelled at you.” I was stunned when she said that, as I mentioned earlier in this post I never felt she was wrong to do that. My heart hurt to think that she felt hurt and bad about how she treated me. I assured her I never felt angry at her - I only felt happy to have a sister who was helping me when I could not help myself.  There was nothing to forgive. 

Dear Reader, TBI symptoms are challenging and frustrating for both survivors and caregivers. It is impossible for interactions to not get messy at times. Both may experience normal frustration, anger, disappointment, etc. by themselves and with each other. Sometimes, one or the other might stumble around with misunderstandings. Outside support and assistance are needed for each in order to learn the dance between “doing for oneself” and “doing for the other.” Communication concerning all the feelings, thoughts, and actions that occur is essential as mistakes can be common. However, there will also be moments of deep emotional intimacy, profound insights, and shared joy over successes. I think caregivers feel relief to be able to do something for a loved one in the midst of challenges. I do not speak for every survivor, however, I believe many survivors of TBI feel eternal gratitude for their caregivers. There is much for the survivors and caregivers to embrace. Therefore, there is nothing to forgive.