My Invisible Rehabilitation (30th Post)

 In 2019, after a lifetime of searching to solve the puzzle of me, Neuro-cognitive Testing confirmed I had Traumatic Brain Injuries since childhood. The Neuro Psychologist wrote a detailed report delineating the damage to my brain. Included in the report was a Rehabilitation Plan. While following through on all the recommendations, I realized throughout my life, that I used - and still use - suggestions discussed in the Plan. Stumbling upon this awareness I now refer to this hindsight, as my Invisible Rehabilitation. 

The majority of people struggling with TBI challenges usually depend on other people and agencies to assist with, or supplement, their life needs. In childhood, I knew something was wrong with me. Consequently, I closely observed people to try and discern what I was missing. I also depended on the kindness of strangers to assist with what I needed. In adolescence, I created helpful “Villages” of people at a part-time job and in public high school. (This subject has been covered in previous posts.) Thus, without knowing I created invisible rehab for myself.

In my junior year in public school, I attended an Art Appreciation class. Immediately, I was drawn to the emotional content and impact of art. Due to the cognitive impairment from undiagnosed TBI, I could not always find the words to describe my inner emotional landscape. However, I discovered art could do that for me - give me both the words and release the feelings hidden inside me. I found art helped me to feel comfortable, safe, joyful, and a sense of identity, and other soothing emotions. I began collecting my “art”.  I cut many pictures out of magazines to put on my bedroom walls. I added posters, cards, and store-bought art. I discovered the Smithsonian in D.C. and spent hours in the various museums and art galleries. Today, we now know Art Therapy can assist people in processing emotions and cognitions. In 1990, I had a friend who was an artist. The first time she visited my condo, she walked in, and immediately observed all the art hanging on my walls. She turned to me and said, “how long have you been healing yourself with art?” I had no idea what she meant. I replied, “I did not know I was healing myself with art.” “ I just like art.” To this day I still have wall-to-wall art.  When I travel, I carry cards to put out in my hotel rooms.

That same year, I attended a class entitled “The History of the Far East. ” During the course, I became fascinated with Buddhism, especially Zen Buddhism. I went to the local library and discovered the book “The Art of Mindfulness” by E.H. Shattock. I began to practice the exercises in the book. My favorite place to meditate was Montrose Park in nearby Washington D.C. That leads to a deep enjoyment of nature. Today the healing benefits of mediation and nature are also well documented. Also, in this class, I discovered the Hindu Goddesses and Gods. I found them to be a helpful addition to the Greek Mythology I had found in 9th grade. I especially liked Durga - a protectress who rode a tiger. How cool is that! Ganesh - he was the remover of obstacles. Who would not want a friend like that? And Kali - she was a protectress and also believed in reckonings. I found that intriguing by this time in my life. I was familiar with the evils of mankind and felt justice was the only solution. I was pleased to find such fine role models to emulate, lean on, and who provided comfort. Today it is also documented how helpful spiritual practices are for relieving mental/emotional distress.

Today we now have evidence that writing by hand vs. the computer is better for the health of the brain. In high school, I attended a writing and poetry class. I discovered I liked writing as a way of better understanding my internal world. I also succeeded in having 2 poems published in the school’s poetry contest. At public high school, I excelled in Archery and Fencing. Not only was I a female version of Robin Hood and Zorro, but unbeknownst to me, I was also teaching my damaged brain how to focus, organize, plan and make decisions. And then there was all the music I listened to. There were so many songs that sang out my inner emotions and thoughts. I often played the same song over and over and over for whatever mood I was wrestling with. Today we know how effective Music Therapy is. 

While in the midst of all this magic, wonder, and enchantment, dark storms were frequently blotting out the sun. I had passive suicide ideation, anxiety, rage, sleep deprivation, night terrors, and then the puzzle to solve that haunted me day and night. However, once upon a time, OZ, brought me an unexpected solution. I found another yellow brick road that leads straight to a White Rabbit and down a rabbit hole. Grace Slick, (Jefferson Airplane) wrote the song “White Rabbit.”  In the song, there is a phrase “Feed your head.” By that, she meant to open your mind to possibilities - THINK.  She also stated “White Rabbit” meant follow your curiosity. I wish I had followed her advice. Instead, I went down a rabbit hole and fed my head with alcohol and drugs. Totally not a good thing for a damaged brain. However, I was desperate and like all desperate people just wanted something to help me feel less desperate and happier. Alcohol and drugs did that for me……..until they didn’t.