And Then There Were Drugs (31st Post)

 The comedian and actor, Robin Williams, quipped “Reality is for people who can’t handle drugs.” 


In 11th grade, everything in my life changed. I attended a new school, had reunions with former friends, made new friends, no longer wore a uniform to school - now dressed in civilian clothes, dated, worked part-time, discovered and explored new spiritual paths, and had more freedom. The not-so-great change was newly undiagnosed TBI and PTSD symptoms emerged. My only stability during that time period was the desperation skills I had created to be able to build villages and seek the kindness of strangers. (See previous posts). 


I felt like I was constantly twirling and dizzy from all the changes and symptoms. I had no clue as to how to cope. To say I was overwhelmed by the challenges is an underwhelming statement. I was a mess, and what made it worse, I was frantic about being so messed up. In addition to my own personal journey of change and adaptation, or lack of transformation, was that music, politics, social unrest, and drug use had exploded within the social network of society.  Concerning the latter, most of my high school friends used alcohol and other drugs.


Time for an aside to that last statement. Most people choose to not think of alcohol as a drug because of alcohol’s legal status. Consequently, when people discuss problems or issues concerning drug usage, alcohol is usually omitted from the discussion. In the movie “Traffic,” the director brilliantly demonstrated my point. A group of politicians gathered at a party to discuss the “drug problem.” While doing so they were liberally using alcohol - some to the point of intoxication, yet, they were oblivious to the obvious. Because of this socially skewed belief, whenever I lecture on drugs, I need to use the well-worn phrase “alcohol and drugs” do x,y,z due to the socially accepted misbelief that alcohol is not a drug. However, the American Medical Association classifies ethyl, the main ingredient in alcohol, as a sedative drug with properties to depress all brain function, and an overdose if used to excess, or in combination with another sedative drug. It does not matter if one uses beer or wine or liquor - it is all ethyl alcohol.


Ok, back to high school. Some of my high school friends preferred to only use alcohol. Others preferred only drugs. And the rest sought out both. I accommodated all my friends' choices, however, I did have a favorite drug. 


The first drug I used was nicotine. I was in 9th grade and got my cigs from my older sister. Nicotine, I felt, helped with my anxiety. Today, we know nicotine actually enhances anxiety, however, that is a topic for a later post. The point is everyone uses a substance based on how it makes them feel. My parents very rarely used alcohol and did not keep a supply in the home. Therefore, unlike with my peers' parents, I had no liquor cabinet to invade. And, unlike my peers, had no unattended/unfinished beer, wine, or liquor used by their parents, to consume. Kids in general imitate their parents and thus will drink what is left behind or when the parents are not around. 


I joined in with my friends’ enthusiasm to experiment with all the different mood-altering drugs available. Another aside: the substances people seek out for “recreational/social” use fit the classification of mood-altering drugs. For example, people usually use these drugs when they experience a “mood” or desire to change into another mood they prefer better. They deliberately alter their emotions. Consequently, in high school, like my peers, I used drugs to find the sensation I needed to alter my mood. 


I experimented with nicotine, ethyl alcohol, opiates, cocaine, cannabis, meth, amphetamines, and over-the-counter drugs which kept one awake, treated motion sickness, and back pain, and various cough syrups. I consciously did not use psychedelics. Since I had concluded my mother had a crazy side to her personality. (See previous posts). I also accepted there was a puzzle inside me to solve. I was terrified that “mind-altering drugs” like acid (LSD) might take me over the edge. I had witnessed some friend’s on a “bad trip” - very scary.  I worried a bad trip might make me turn out like my mother. Ironically, though, I had a boyfriend who dropped acid nearly every day. Also, my friends, when tripping on acid, requested I hang out with them. They said my being there made their trip better. To this day, I have no idea what they meant. Although, I did enjoy hanging out with them.


In the movie “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Freddie Mercury stated, “Being human is a condition that requires a little anesthesia.”  Brilliant and accurate right?! I have yet to meet someone who is not haunted by emotional pain. Emotions are important aspects of our being. Emotions bring messages to our awareness we need to process and experience. However, some people label some emotions as bad and others as good. And people who believe in these classifications go to great lengths to ignore or banish the “bad” emotions. To escape uncomfortable emotions people engage in many varieties of behaviors including using alcohol and other mood-altering drugs. 


In 11th grade, I was drowning in extreme emotions or numbing out to emotions due to the undiagnosed TBI and PTSD. The emotional pain from being unable to solve the puzzle of me was crushing my spirit and breaking my heart. As a result, my mood-altering experiments certainly impressed me as being fine solutions to my life and emotional challenges. I especially favored the drugs classified as Stimulants. Sedatives and Opiates certainly altered unwanted feelings, however, I did not find the sensation of zoning or nodding out pleasurable. However, I loved how I felt on stimulants, street-wise known as “Speed.” I used White Crosses, Black Beauties, Coke, Meth - a.k.a amphetamines, cocaine, and methamphetamines. I felt alive, with no anxiety or depression, and fewer passive suicidal thoughts, I liked who I was on speed. I also became what was known as a “speed freak” I felt a kinship with Ginger Baker - a member of the rock group “Cream.”  He too had an affinity for stimulants and was often referred to as a “speed freak.”  


Using stimulants, in a non-therapeutic dosage, accelerates the possibility of serious medical issues. Back then a phrase became quite popular - “speed kills” - and it was not in reference to the fast driving of any vehicle. As addicts want to do, I focused on the fun aspect of ‘Speeding,” and also enjoyed the wonder of my altered world. However, using too much of any type of drug - mood or otherwise- can result in medical problems and death.


 I could not keep reality at bay forever. I experienced several drug-related incidents that gave me pause. Having fun and feeling good in the world of alcohol and other mood-altering drugs does have drawbacks and perils. And bummer, all too quickly I found that out.