Syringe (32nd Post)

I felt like I was on a roll. I had my Villages and great friends both at my part-time job and in high school. (See previous posts.) My classes at school and my responsibilities at work were interesting and expanded my previously very small life. And, I had mood-altering drugs which magically diminished most of the undiagnosed symptoms of TBI and PTSD. “Speed” also helped me feel less fearful and anxious concerning all the sudden changes in my life I encountered when I started 11th grade. (See previous posts). 

At that time, Rock and Roll music was spinning the world. The very first concert I attended was The Rolling Stones. Their song “Satisfaction” was rapidly climbing the music charts. I listened as Mick Jagger sang the words“I can’t get no satisfaction. When I heard those words, I thought to myself, wow for the first time ever, I felt satisfied with the nature of my life. I went on to attend many, many more fabulous rock concerts. Usually, I was high on some type of mood-altering drug. However, not always. But, mood-altering drugs had definitely integrated themselves into my lifestyle.

Also, mood-altering drugs had integrated into many a Rock Musician’s life as well. Back in the day, music venues were small and unique. There were no massive nosebleed arenas where video screens showed who and what was on stage. I attended most concerts in small local clubs, churches, warehouses, school gymnasiums, and small outside stages. I attended several concerts at the Alexandria Roller Rink. The sport of roller skating was on the decline, so the owners converted the rink into a concert hall. However, they kept it as it was. So, the musicians played on a stage that formerly was home to a music organ. The audience sat either on a single line of chairs in front of the railing of the rink or on the rink floor itself. The first concert I saw there was “The Doors.” Jim Morrison was looking mighty fine in his leather pants. He was also very drunk and nearly fell off the stage at one point. Most of the audience was stoned or drunk. Consequently, the crowd found his drunken antics funny or just part of the way things were now. Back in the day, very few of us understood or were even educated about the consequences of excessive use or addiction to mood-altering drugs. And please remember as I stated in the last post - ethyl alcohol is legal however it is still a mood-altering drug. 

A lot of my high school friends were either ‘straights” or “hippies.” However, they all used mood-altering drugs at school. Another drug haven hangout was the local parks in Washington D.C., or my hometown of Arlington, Va.- just across the Potomac River. And for the “straights” there were also the bars in D.C. Like most of my fellow students in high school, my grades were never adversely affected by the substances we used. In high schools there were periodic “drug raids.” Ironically, the police and high school administration usually found mostly only alcohol. Of course, we were all secretive and careful around our families when it came to using the substances. And at my part-time job, my fellow part-time student employees and I never went to work under the influence. Our usage was for fun, and we all considered our jobs serious business. 

Outside of our high school world, the larger society had created the “War on Drugs.” Therefore, the only real consequence brought to our attention was a legal one. 

In that time, in place of consequences, there were only myths, misconceptions, politics, and a real lack of scientific knowledge concerning mood-altering drugs and the willful ignorance and vulnerabilities of human nature. Ridiculously, certain drugs were designated as “the problem.” There was a real lack of scientific research to discover the answers to how drug addiction develops. Also ignored was the well-documented fact, since ancient history, humans had a tendency to seek mood-altering drugs, and, no one was asking why.

However, I digress, back to high school hangouts. Georgetown in Washington D.C., at that time, was a haven for hippies. In Georgetown, on M street there was a hangout called “Yonder’s Wall.” From the street, one ascended to the front door from a long set of stairs. Inside there was only one single very large room, and another smaller back room used only by the owner and his staff. The surrounding walls were painted in day-glow colors. The colors of the walls were enhanced by black lights and strobe lights. In the background, rock music played continually. There were no tables and chairs, only some cushions and the floor to sit on. Yonder’s Wall was a great place to get high. We mostly sat in a large circle on the floor. On one occasion, a syringe of heroin was passed around the circle - with periodic stops for a refill. I had no fear of needles. I had not yet tried heroin, so I was up for experimenting. I watched how people used the syringe. Soon it would be my turn. I very closely observed the guy sitting beside me as he plunged the syringe into his arm. To my horror, something went very wrong. Blood was spurting out of the injection site. Alarmed, terrified, and oddly fascinated, the whole group did what druggies do best - we ran. We poured out of Yonder’s Wall like a stream of water. Once back on M street we scattered. My friends and I ran to the nearest bus stop that would take us across the bridge into Arlington. As in any terrifying situation people just want to get back to a safe place, so we all headed to our respective homes. 

Upon our return, several weeks later to Yonder’s Wall, we found the door locked and a sign stating the business was closed. We never found out what happened to the guy spurting blood. We never found out why Yonder’s Wall was closed. Consequences can be awful, good, or neutral. The syringe incident was the first serious - got my attention - consequence I had experienced or witnessed from using a mood-altering substance. Of course, people were dying, and killing or injuring other people from drinking alcohol and then driving, however, back then that was just seen as what happens - as this tragedy had been happening since alcohol and cars merged. 

For the first time, I had a serious consequence to muse upon. Keep in mind this consequence was being evaluated by a teenage brain and a brain damaged by TBI and PTSD. I was also evaluating the situation from the perspective of a future addict. So, later there I was sitting on the bus, looking out the window, and leaving the Yonder’s Wall incident behind me. As I sat on the bus I made a decision to leave syringes in the hands of the medical professionals (literally and figuratively). I realized I did not need to learn how to use needles, as there were other methods I could use to experience heroin. Only an addict would think like that. 

By my teen years, I had not really learned how to successfully cope with emotional pain.( Note to the world - babies, children, and teens are not born with emotional management skills. They are supposed to learn that from their parents and other adults.) As I wrote in the last post, I liked the way I felt, and liked the person I was when using mood-altering drugs. Therefore, there was no way the consequence I had witnessed at Yonder’s Wall would deter me from using mood-altering drugs. And alcohol was legal and acceptable by society. Another reason to continue usage. The decision to no longer use mood-altering substances would, in the future, come from my heart, not my mind. Consequences do not always resonate within the mind. They do, however, very much get the heart’s attention.

Learning about consequences is different from feeling the consequences and knowing how to process them in a healthy self-caring way. Anyhow, I digress. After the incident at Yonder’s Wall, one day in high school, another consequence of my usage occurred. During a drug raid at school, I had successfully avoided being busted for having in my possession an illegal drug. In truth, I actually really was innocent, however, that is not the REAL point.

In closing this post, if you or someone you know is struggling with addictions, call the Hotline number -1-855-532-1424 for assistance.