Busted (33rd Post)

In the previous post “Syringe”, I discussed my witnessing, and reaction, to a syringe injection of heroin gone wrong.  One might think this exposure to such an unexpected and frightening experience would deter me from continuing to experiment with mood-altering drugs. It did not for several reasons. Addicts know they are addicted, however, will never admit their addiction. Addicts view their drug(s) as a positive coping skill. The feelings and/or lack of feelings they experience when using alcohol or other drugs are the desired effect they want. Consequently, addicts would not give up something that helps them deal with traumatic emotional pain. Serious, hideous, and agonizing consequences resulting from addictions rarely deter an addict from using. The internal emotional pain far outweighs the consequences. The consequences are just something to somehow get through till they can use it again. Addiction does not respond to a logical perspective. The Addict’s perspective rises from the need to survive in an unsafe world where the addiction was first created in.  However, the catch-22 with utilizing an addiction to cope with life is eventually the process not only stops working, the process even creates additional new problems. However, let’s leave this here for now and return to my high school drug days.

The next “get my attention” consequence I experienced from the world of high school drug usage was a legal one. Most high schools in the 60s were aware of students' use of legal and illegal drugs. Sporadic drug raids were initiated by undercover narcotic agents. “Narcs” was what the students called the policemen brought into the school to conduct the raids. 

One unsuspecting afternoon at my high school, I was walking down the hallway to my next class. A very worried-looking friend approached me and breathlessly said “I just got called to the principal's office - I have drugs on me - can you hold them for me?”

I agreed, seeing no harm in doing so. She handed me the drugs and said she would retrieve them later. About 15 minutes passed, and I was sitting in class when there was a knock on the classroom door. The teacher went to the door, spoke with someone, and then requested I join her in the hallway. Bewildered, yet beginning to ponder if holding the drugs was a bad idea, I stepped into the hallway. The teacher introduced me to the Narc. The teacher returned to the classroom. I walked with the Narc to the principal's office. Along the way, I fought the impulse to make a run for it.  When I arrived I was greeted and interrogated by 2 policemen and the Vice Principal. They asked me for the drugs. I gave the drugs to them and stated “these are not mine, a friend asked me to hold them.” I hoped I sounded like I believed I was just an innocent bystander…or rather an innocent drug holder. As they all stared at me, my heart was pounding so loud in my chest, I was certain they could hear it. I was stunned and almost collapsed from relief when one officer assured me my friend had collaborated on my story. After more interrogation, they concluded I was a naive kid who needed to learn how to think through my actions. I meekly agreed. They said I could go back to class. As I escaped through the door, the Vice Principal’s parting words were “I will now report this incident to your parents.” I mumbled I understand and left. Dazed from the experience,  I slowly 

walked back to class. I was thankful and impressed my friend had told the truth. I was relieved this nightmare was finally over. After school ended, I went directly home. The scene with my parents was actually anti-climactic. They were upset, however, also concluded I was a naive and foolish kid to do such a thing. Nothing more was ever said or done concerning my foolish mistake. No surprise there for me. By this time in my life my parents attended to missteps on my part, however, took no real interest in my day-to-day existence. As for me, all that mattered concerning the incident was I had not been arrested. I felt tremendously relieved. Also, I planned to continue to use mood-altering substances. This is normal addiction thinking. Even when arrested addicts will continue to use alcohol and other mood-altering drugs. And most addicts upon release from jail, within hours, use again. 

Unbeknownst to me, I was in the early stages of addiction. In the early stages, an addict acts just like a non-addict does with alcohol and other mood-altering drugs. The only difference is in the early stage the addicts’ psychological response to a serious consequence is vastly different than a non-addict. My takeaway from the near arrest by a Narc was, to plan for the future, and to never hold anyone's drugs. Furthermore, I also decided not to keep drugs on my person. Instead, I planned to use the drug(s) right away. (Back in the day there was no drug testing at school, so the students figured consuming the evidence was a smart thing to do.). The issue for me as an addict is that drug use was not the problem as it really helped me. The problem to solve was to not get caught. More addicts and alcoholics die from their addiction than recover - due to addiction-related medical conditions, accidents, suicides, and overdoses. Society likes to diminish that fact. I get that, as it is a hard fact to face. And dysfunctions in society are part of the problem that addictions exist. So people think drugs are the problem, not the addict, or the traumatic abusive manner in which people often treat each other.

 But I digress. Dedicated as I was to my addictions, one day in high school, to my total surprise and maybe even disbelief, I decided to seek out the journey to recovery.  This decision did not come from “getting into serious trouble.” To this day, I am not sure how the decision was created, however, I have theories. One theory is the decision resulted from a conversation my inner spirit had with my heart. And, for whatever reason, this time my brain actually listened to them…..and agreed.