The "Eyes" Have It (35th Post)

I used alcohol and other drugs in high school. However, Stimulant drugs were my favorite drug of choice. One afternoon at school, I was walking to my psychology class (yes, I see the irony here). On my way, I swallowed an amphetamine - known on the street as “Black Beauty.” Upon ingestion, I enjoyed the rush and began to feel ever so fine and happy. Halfway through the psychology class, my friend Linda who sat in front of me,, turned around and whispered “I am on Darvon and have an extra - do you want one?” Although I am not a regular user of sedatives, I did enjoy a Darvon now and then. And I was feeling a bit too “speedy” from the Black Beauty, so I said yes! I swallowed Darvon and continued to listen to the teacher’s lecture. I was not certain how much time passed, however, I began to feel very lousy. I tapped Linda on the shoulder. When she turned around her smile faded to concern. She quickly whispered, “are you ok?” I shook my head no and said I feel awful. She told me to go see the nurse in the school clinic. Due to the undiagnosed TBI, I was always responsive to people who helped me decide what to do. I immediately got up from my desk and walked up to the teacher who was standing in front of the class. As I approached her, she turned and looked at me.  She stared for a very long moment. I broke the silence, and said I don’t feel well, can I go to the clinic?  She went to her desk, picked up a hall pass, and gave the pass to me. As I left she continued her lecture. 

As I slowly walked to the clinic, I began to wobble. I felt very hot and was profusely sweating. I stopped at the bathroom, as I had thought that splashing cold water on my face might help. Once through the bathroom door, I barely made it to the sink. When I finally arrived, I slumped over and hung onto the sink to avoid falling to the ground. I rested my head on the cool porcelain sink holding me up. I reached an arm over my head and managed somehow to turn on the faucet. With the same arm, I somehow accomplished the task of splashing cold water on my face. However, after a few splashes, I stopped. I was so fatigued all I could do was hold onto the sink. I felt my heart pounding at an accelerated rate in my chest. The sound of its beating made me want to scream, however, I was too weak to do so. Time passed and I slowly began to feel better. At some point, I was able to stand up, although I leaned heavily against the sink. And then IT happened. As I was lifting my head to be level with the mirror, I looked into my eyes. Something about my eyes caught my full attention. Oddly, I felt like I was seeing something in them I had never seen before. However, I could literally not see what I sensed. I placed all my attention on the mystery in my eyes. Or as Alana Fairchild said “knowing without knowing how you know.” I was having that kind of moment.

 Two words formed in my brain -“ Speed Kills.”  I had often seen that quote on anti-drug posters. So, I thought it was just a memory. However, it turned out to be a prompt that was followed by a thought. I heard myself saying out loud to my “self” - I am exactly like Ginger Baker.  (Ginger Baker was in the rock group - “Cream.” He was well known for his music and just as well known for his stimulant addiction). Many called him a “Speed Freak” and rumors periodically circulated he had died from using speed. I knew, like Ginger Baker, I was a “speed freak.” As I stared into my eyes in the mirror, I knew speed would soon bring about my demise. There was not a shadow of a doubt about my future with speed.

But, knowing I could possibly die from using speed was not the reason I choose to stop using stimulants. At that time, I did not fear death. Due to the undiagnosed TBI, I had been having passive suicidal ideation for years. What got my attention was since age 5 there was a puzzle about me that I desperately wanted to solve. The last thing I wanted was another “thing” inside me or in my life that was determining the QUALITY of my life. I wanted to be free of having to use stimulants to enjoy life. I just wanted to enjoy life on my own. Since age 5 I wanted a better life. I wanted to feel like I did when on stimulants, however, without using stimulants. What I realized is I had yet another puzzle to solve. I left the bathroom and walked to my next class. As I walked I made and implemented the decision to not use stimulants starting now. And I felt good about the decision. No regrets. I felt at peace.

I stood by my decision. I did continue to use alcohol, pot, and on occasion, painkillers and sedatives. Eventually, I gave all those drugs up too. I no longer needed or wanted to use mood-altering drugs, as I no longer liked mood-altered states. They were no longer my “food.” And to come full circle from the beginning of this saga, I was the squirrel on the road who made and acted on my decision to run in the right direction.