Segway to a Tad More Compications... (42nd Post)

As I began to live the life of a college student, I quickly observed that my undiagnosed TBI and PTSD symptoms were consistently interfering with my dream to live a non-symptomatic life. Even more alarming to me, than the symptoms, was an issue I first became aware of when I transferred to the 11th grade at public school.  Yikes, as this issue was now amplifying its presence in my life.

I grew up in what is clinically referred to as a “dysfunctional family.” I am nowhere near alone in this distinction. Over the years I have known many kindred spirits who were also raised in an atmosphere of dysfunction, and subjected to emotional/physical abuse and neglect. My parents’ dysfunction also included social isolation from the immediate and surrounding neighbors. Consequently, growing up I was denied the learning curve of being in a functional interactive neighborhood community. In essence, I did not learn or even have exposure to the social graces of fitting in, belonging, and attaching to a community.  Yes, Dear Reader, you are on target, What you are thinking is true - I did have my “Villages.” (Dear New Reader, see previous posts on Villages). However, the villages were specifically in the arena of my employment.  Most people, regardless of mental health issues, social challenges, etc. usually function somewhat effectively in a work environment. 

Children from dysfunctional families and/or social institutions draw a blank in reacting to such health-related words as safe, inclusive, supportive, healthy, understanding, etc. And most, if not all, emotionally wounded children are in awe of families and/or institutions which function and operate in a healthy manner. These emotionally damaged kids often experience deep sorrow when observing healthy families, as the healthy interactions and interchanges remind those damaged kids, that they rarely had that experience with their families. 

As for me, in addition to struggling with undiagnosed PTSD, TBI, feelings of being a child in an adult’s body, and TBI Anosognosia, I had the additional burden of having learned dysfunctional approaches when faced with other functional lives. Later, when I was in therapy, I came to understand dysfunction was a “value issue.” Mentally healthy people value, adhere to, and demonstrate healthy modalities of functioning. Mentally unhealthy people value, adhere to, and demonstrate unhealthy modalities of functioning. How on earth it came to be that as a child, teen, and young adult I yearned to know a better way to exist in the world - a healthier way, is still a mystery to me. For, healthy functioning was neither of my parent’s practices nor historical legacy. Perhaps I had some recessive renegade gene that slipped through a DNA crack. This idea is not rare. At many 12-step meetings, I heard others speak of being the family member “to break the chain.” 

In any event, while at college the depth of my learning curve took my breath away - not the academics - but being with people, understanding, and knowing what that was all about. Sometimes people would ask me If I believed in God. I would always reply - of course…however…believing in people and knowing how to get along with them is a totally different story. Thank goodness, I had my keen observation and desperation skills. They helped me appear somewhat normal in the face of healthy functioning people. Sadly, though, my inner world was functioning with only a handful of pieces to the “now expanding puzzle of me.”