Ignorance Had Really Been Bliss (51st Post)

I had been excited and intrigued that Rick had asked me out. (Dear Reader see “A Moment of Normal” post) I had had no inkling that he had been attracted to me during the “meet and greet” visit the night before. I reviewed that previous evening in my mind, but could not recall any flirtatious moments with Rick. However, unbeknownst to me, I had undiagnosed TBI and my symptoms included, “a tendency to miss social cues.” I had recalled how during our phone conversation earlier that day, Rick revealed he had been aware of my “surveillance mission.” I had surmised from that comment, he too must have been studying the “meet and greet group’’ I had wondered if like me, he too often felt uncertain at times in the world.  Or, maybe like me, he had just been being cautious. Unbeknownst to me at that time, my “caution” had actually been hyper-vigilance which is a symptom of PTSD. 

Eventually, I let go of the obsessive examination of myself and Rick. I proceeded to focus on a more important matter - what on earth would I wear for my first date with Rick?! The curse of PTSD and TBI is how they invade and distort normal everyday activity. They add a layer of challenge that people who do not suffer from TBI and PTSD do not have to struggle with. Thus, regular daily tasks become tainted and influenced by the symptoms. Consequently, making a decision about what to wear felt, to me, like falling down an endless rabbit hole. And as a result, I felt no satisfaction from the triumph of finally making a decision. I only felt exhausted and contemplated canceling any plans. Many years later, once diagnosed with TBI, I was informed it took me 4 times longer to make decisions, and my damaged brain required 5 times more energy than an undamaged brain to make decisions. So, the thought of deciding what to wear on my first date with Rick felt overwhelmingly daunting. 

Consequently, to delay entering the rabbit hole of what on earth to wear, I decided to first call my girlfriends from the meet and greet, as after all I had been asked out by Rick and that important event was worthy of “girl talk.” The day before “the date” anxiety began to creep around my head, and rather noisily I might add. SIGH. I had found it very annoying whenever anxiety rained on my parade…..and with undiagnosed PTSD and TBI that was often. Geeeeez. Unlike my peers, I had only been schooled in the art of dating for the past 2 years. That developmental delay had been caused by the gender weirdness of my previous catholic - before public - school. Plus, during those past 2 years, I had experienced periods of famine between the feasts. I had no solid run behind me, and only one - almost but not quite - serious relationship experience. So, mostly I felt like a total newbie in the dating ritual. Luckily for me that loud creeping anxiety, (honestly I think the feeling wore combat boots), was replaced by desperation in high heels tapping away. I realized I had not completed my mission to find the perfect attire for my date with Rick. As the clock was ticking I scrambled back to my-rabbit-hole-dressing project. The appointed date hour arrived, and so did Rick’s knock on the front door. As I opened the door he looked at me and said I looked nice. Whew - my outfit had made the cut. I briefly introduced Rick to my parents, and off we went on my first dinner date with Rick.  

I enjoyed the evening with Rick. Even though I hardly knew him, I felt grounded, safe, and some type of familiar comfort with him. Many years later, I would come to learn the “familiar comfort” was actually my nervous system ‘settling” - in essence taking a breath and a moment from the undiagnosed PTSD. Due to his father’s position with the Government and foreign travel, he certainly was more knowledgeable on the ways of the world than I. So, I realized I had been wrong earlier when lost in my thoughts, he seemed to know how to navigate life. I admired that quality in him. He was like Irene and my other friends. That meant he also might be a good candidate for my “village.” (Dear Reader see early posts on “Village.”) Since age 10 I was always looking for friends and the kindness of strangers who could help me take the puzzling “lemons” in my life and create a more “lemonade life.” I liked Rick. Another point in his favor was he was what I call a “Teddy Bear” size. He was not too short, tall, or thin. Consequently, when we hugged, my head rested perfectly on his shoulder making a snuggle into his neck possible. Rick was nice-looking, with a great smile, and I liked the secure feeling I experienced when he held my hand. He was interesting to talk to and had manners. He made good eye contact, and once or twice during the evening, I noticed something in his eyes I could not fathom. Many years later, after successful treatment for PTSD, I realized that the feeling shining from his eyes I had not been able to fathom was love. 

Near the end of our first evening together, Rick asked me out for a second date. Due to the undiagnosed TBI symptom, anosognosia, I was unable to discern how I had come across, and also if any of my puzzling symptoms had tainted our evening. Consequently, on hearing his request for a second date, I had flooded with relief. Apparently, I had successfully kept the symptoms under wrap.  WHEW! However, for that first date, as I bid Rick good night, joyfully for me, ignorance had indeed been bliss. For, at that moment, I felt so happy at the thought of seeing Rick again. And tomorrow would also bring fun and delightful girl talk. Eventually, we became girlfriend and boyfriend. I would finally have a serious romantic relationship. Little did I suspect, that during the development of our relationship, my undiagnosed TBI and PTSD would create complications I had no explanations or solutions for him or even myself.