Knock Knock (52nd Post)

Someone once said, “ When you meet someone you walk into the stream of their world.” After I graduated high school, I spent the summer working in retail, and with the help of Irene and the rest of my “village” - prepared to start college, in addition to getting to know Rick, his friends, and his family. 

I had fun learning from my friends what type of clothing and other items a freshman..or rather…freshwoman would require. So, I greatly enjoyed the “villagers” at my job. Since my parents took little interest in my preparation for college. My companions’ assistance certainly helped my undiagnosed TBI symptom - lacking the ability to make decisions - relax and take the day off. Concerning Rick we had grown closer. His parents turned out to be lovely and welcoming. Rick also had an older brother who lived nearby, who I did not see often, however, seemed nice. He also had 2 younger sisters who I found to be adorable and endearing. I observed they were a family who openly cared for each other. 

Rick had a close friend named Dave. He was funny, kind, and supported Rick and me being together. Dave had been playing the field, however, over the summer met Barbara and was smitten by her. Barbara turned out to be a wonderful woman and greatly enjoyed our girl talk. The four of us hung out on a regular basis. All my friends liked Rick. It was both lovely and daunting for me to be a part of this huge social circle of friends and family. Due to the undiagnosed TBI symptom of anosognosia, I had a hard time discerning how Rick’s family and friends felt about me. It felt totally nerve-racking at times. However, I had been hanging out at his parent’s house and also had been invited to join them at events - same for his friends - so I had concluded maybe they “really” liked me. WHEW. 

My parents acknowledged to me they liked Rick. However, they tended to avoid social visits with anyone. Consequently, Rick and I had only hung out at his house. Since the day I was born and arrived home from the hospital, my older sister avoided me like the plague. (Dear Reader see early posts on my family.) So, I never did find out how she felt about Rick. However, she probably felt towards him what she felt towards me- just guessing here Dear Reader. My younger sister was living high school life and also had adopted a family down the street - so our paths did not cross much. However, during one fly-by - by she mentioned she liked Rick. 

I was delighted to be in a serious relationship with Rick. Rick had been finishing college and also worked as a mechanic. His car was a red Corvair. We went on a lot of fun and interesting dates. In getting to know and falling in love with Rick, I realized in his family there were values and levels of close interactions that had been missing from my family. I also realized I wanted those values. I also discerned it was one thing to want something or someone. It was another thing to be able to know what to do with something or someone. And that, Dear Reader, was part of my undiagnosed TBI and PTSD dilemma. (Sometimes life just really sucks.) Love that phrase!

Dear Reader, let us just stay with the nice stuff right now. That summer, Rick and I created many wonderful memories. For example, On one date he had taken me to a restaurant called Junkanoo for dinner. The inside decor was of a Polynesian Village. Since due to the undiagnosed TBI I did not have a strong sense of smell, so I ate food mainly for texture and sensation. As a result, I was delighted by the lovely restaurant decor. I loved the village concept and was thrilled to be seated in an overly large wicker chair. I felt like a Polynesian Queen as I sipped my exotic drink out of a coconut. One New Year’s Eve, Dave, Barbara, Rick, and I attended a New Year celebration held in a swanky hotel party room. The atmosphere and decor were beyond festive. We had an amazing time. 

My relationship with Rick felt so right and so ‘normal.” Which also made me feel so confused and uncertain as to what to do, say, and who to be. This was due to the fact the “unsolved problems of me” had a different agenda in mind. The best way to describe the issues is that in the relationship I had “Gollum moments.” Gollum is a character in the “Lord of the Rings” who had a true identity crisis. Me too. 

The undiagnosed PTSD had kept me locked in the past - only using fight, flight, or freeze to exist - especially in relationships. Having had abuse I had learned some good things in life turn out to be dangerous. The undiagnosed TBI left my executive functions helpless and clueless about how to create and maintain a serious relationship. In essence, I had stepped into the stream of Rick’s world, however, I was coming from a very narrow and shallow stream into a stream as large as a river with moments of white rapids. As our relationship evolved in a normal direction, the “unsolved problems of me” knocked, and knocked, and knocked down the barriers I had invented to bar their escape. However, a damaged brain has no defense against itself. The “unsolved problem” introduced havoc and distress to our serious relationship. 

Dear Reader, if you do not have TBI or PTSD, I understand how it is challenging for you to fathom the devastation they bring to the gifts we receive in life. So I will share a few examples from my relationship with Rick to assist your understanding. In preparation for the task, I gently suggest, if you are not familiar with the lyrics of the song “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum you call upon the assistance of Google and read said lyrics. As you do so, listen with your heart to find the “knock knock.” They are there in the lyrics and they have escaped.