Never Grow a Wishbone (50th Post)

 “Never Grow a Wishbone Where You Need a Backbone” -  Melissa McCarthy

Dear Reader, allow me to pause and discuss the backdrop of the next several posts. For, I would not have you or your heart be caught unaware of where we are now headed. Please be advised if while reading this post, and the several posts following this one, you become unsettled ….stop reading, close your device, settle yourself, and/or take care of yourself by seeking out your support systems.  

In addition to fine-tuning my Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) symptoms in this blog, starting with the Post - “A Strange Kinship” (see the previous posts), I introduced the concept of Trauma - -[specifically Post Traumatic Disorder (PTSD). The post following this “pause” will present some of my symptoms of PTSD, which resulted from sexual assault ( see “He rebuilt his life…) The upcoming posts focus on how my heart, mind, and body were overwhelmed and undermined by PTSD. Out of respect for the millions of women and girls presently struggling with sexual and gender trauma, I only mention a few examples of my experience. Misogynistic people believe gender and sexual trauma have little to no effect on women and girls - or that they can magically recover and move on. Nothing could be more tragic, and be further from the truth. 

Like TBI there are a plethora of symptoms indicating PTSD. As with TBI, the symptoms of PTSD manifest in behavior, thoughts, and emotions. Both TBI and PTSD distort and disrupt the victim’s cognitions, feelings, actions, physical functions, mental processing, and interpersonal relationships. Trauma and PTSD also result in moral injury issues concerning the victim’s relationship with people in general. (Please bear with me a moment for an aside - some belief systems support the misnomer that being a victim is a weakness on the part of the victim - that somehow they should be magical and mysteriously create their own victimhood. This misnomer is also supported by abusive people who want to shift their traumatizing actions/words on an innocent person. A victim is someone who has been wronged by an abuser through no fault of their own.) Dear Reader thank you for your. time and patience. End of aside. 

In essence, TBI and PTSD dramatically transform a person’s life forever in problematic ways, both for the victim and the people they associate with. Sadly, both alter the victim’s personality…and not for the better. If left medically and psychologically untreated both TBI and PTSD have the potential to ruin a person’s life and negatively affect their interpersonal relationships. Tragically, there are people in a society whose responses/reactions to a person with PTSD and TBI are misguided and detrimental. 

Concerning the PTSD resulting from sexual trauma, harassment, and discrimination, a majority of men, and a minority of women, respond and react in a misogynistic manner. Consequently, around the world, millions of women, girls, and children who have suffered sexual trauma, harassment, and discrimination feel abandoned by humanity. They are forced to survive those horrific experiences without any type of support or healing. They are made invisible and/or somehow held responsible. They are left alone, unheard, and discarded. In essence. their battle for justice is lost, before it has even started.  

Trauma impacts individuals, groups, communities, and countries. Trauma destabilizes civilization - entire societies and cultures. Symptoms of trauma result in widespread reactions such as constantly feeling unsafe, unsettled, helpless, chronic distrust, numbness, and rage….to name a few. If national trauma is left untreated, it results in divisiveness, social norms erode, and both the country and its citizens lose both their inner and moral compass. The most challenging trauma to repair and heal is trauma committed by a human being(s) against another human being(s).  

The fairytale, “Beauty and the Beast” tells the story of how the kindness of a stranger - Beauty - assists in changing a Beast back into a man. A key part of the story is the Beast’s willingness to change from the arrogant, entitled man he had been before the spell was cast. This is key, because, in order for a person to change for the better, they need a kind environment, emotional support, and be WILLING to face and RESOLVE the pain hidden deep inside. Also, wanting to change is not the same as being willing to change. Wanting is only a cognition - an intention. Willing is a feeling that leads to action. As Melissa McCarthy said, “Never grow a wishbone where you need a backbone.”  A “wishbone” is wanting that may never evolve into healthy action. 

Dear Reader, on a personal note - a surprising amount of men in the US have been fighting against the ERA, and laws that would bring justice to women and girls who experience sexual/gender assault, harassment, and discrimination. Men denied women the vote for over 100 years and tortured and defamed the women who fought for the right to vote. It is not enough to say ‘I am a good man- I don’t do that.’ If you don’t do “that”,,, what exactly are you actually doing for women?  If you were a good man, the ERA would have never been on the table. Is a “good man” - a wishbone or a backbone?

Dear Reader, thank you for your indulgence and the allowance for this “pause” to read my voice and thoughts. May this pause give you a better understanding of how serious and damaging traumatic events can be? So much so, that, even being a bystander and witnessing traumatic events can produce what is known as secondary trauma in the witness. No one is safe from the devastating effects of trauma by a predator. And emotional trauma, like physical trauma, can actually damage the brain. No one is immune to the impact of trauma. Some people say it does not bother them. In reality that means they made themselves numb to the impact. However, all of the impact…. is lying below the numbness…waiting for its chance to arise. I know this is a difficult topic, but it is important, so you can see why I am so passionate about it. 

Now Dear Reader, time to settle. Let’s take a deep breath, take a walk in nature, exercise, or watch a rom-com, Then proceed to the next post.  We will pick up where we left off.  Rick asked me out. I accepted the invitation to go on a date.  Now….girl talk.