John Lennon Was Right (59th Post)

Rick, my long-distance boyfriend, had completed basic training for the Army. To our great relief, he had been assigned to a non-combat military base. Rick had not been selected to serve in the Vietnam War. He had indeed been a “fortunate son.” ( Dear Reader see post entitled “Fortunate Son.”)  Rick’s military base had been in a location very far from Virginia. However, he and I had been dealing with the issue of being in a long-distance relationship since I left Virginia to attend college in Massachusetts. We both just viewed the new distance as an extension of that issue. So, even though we continued to be separated by our different life paths, our journey as a committed couple continued.

Around this same time, my destiny had also become more defined. I had been accepted to all the Virginia colleges I had applied to - with the exception of Mary Washington College an all-girls school. I had been very pleased and relieved to have so many options to consider. However, I had been insulted by Mary Washington’s “reason” in their rejection letter. Their decision had not been based on my grades, scores, or abilities. Instead, they had bluntly informed me I had not been “the kind of girl they had wanted to attend their college.” That “reason” had helped me discern their school was not the kind of “college” I had wanted to attend. Yes, due to the undiagnosed TBI, I was at times clueless and confused about my self and life. However, inside me, I knew I would not tolerate being disrespected as a woman and/or a person. I had decided to put my anger and the underlying hurt, I experienced from their “reason” to good use. I sent back their rejection letter. I mean why keep it, right?! And along with their letter, I had enclosed my response to their decision. I had informed those “powers that be” that I had been accepted by all the other Va. colleges. I also stated I had been selected to attend the University of Virginia. I had known that would resonate with them  since, at that time UVa. had a stellar reputation as an elite school. Done and done, or so I had thought. However, my correspondence with this college had not ended there. To my surprise and delight, Mary Washington College had sent another letter. They requested I reapply.  Oh course, I rejected that suggestion. Ta Ta Ladies!

Rick had now been out of harm’s way. I had secured a Virginia state-funded school. And bonus, it had been an elite school. Our two looming issues had been resolved. I was so relieved to have had a less complicated life for me now and my undiagnosed TBI brain to wrestle and contend with. The emotional tension of having to wait to learn of Rick’s assignment, and the total executive functions brain-drain from my mad dash to apply to colleges, had left me physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted and depleted. 

 At times, or even all the time, I am aware that life on this planet can be challenging. However, taking on life’s challenges with undiagnosed TBI, PTSD, addictions, limited coping skills, and a dysfunctional family legacy, had only muddied up and created chaos with my other life challenges. Any physical, health, emotional, mental, social, political,

 and moral injury issues have the potential to seriously complicate any simple or complex daily experience, activities, and developmental passages. Consequently, I have come to loathe the platitude “Whatever does not kill you makes you stronger.” Clearly, whoever invented that saying may have not experienced the issues mentioned above, poverty, sexism, physical violence, racism, or all the other forms of traumas humans create in life against other humans. If something has the ability to kill you it also has the potential to make one more dysfunctional, helpless, and capable of creating more problems than successfully solving the challenges. So that always puts the question in my mind - what exactly does that platitude mean by “stronger?”

Back to me……to add to the depletion I had felt about Rick and my destinies… my “village,” high school friends, and Rick had very much functioned as my executive functions and an open heart, which greatly assisted me in navigating through life. At this point in my life, all of them were miles away addressing their own lives. I had mostly been alone - no family help to fall back on. I had been coasting on my desperation skills, (Dear Reader see posts on Desperation Skills) and drowning any unwanted feelings and thoughts with alcohol and other drugs. 

In conclusion, now that Rick and I had our destinies, I had still not solved the puzzle of me. So, I desperately wanted to move on and stabilize my life. I had been anxious to attend UVa, secure a job on campus, secure a roommate, and thus have the environment I needed to build a new “village,” and use my other desperation skills to create the assistance I needed. However, as John Lennon said - “life happens while your busy making other plans.” Amen to that!  Unbeknownst to me, another curve ball had been heading my way, and it would knock me off the plate before I even picked up the bat. Yep, John Lennon had been right. SIGH.